


Mind Over Body (Out Stubborn God)

by InTheShadows



Series: Tony Stark Bingo (Round 3) 2020 Fills [7]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Aromantic Steve Rogers, Don't copy to another sight, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hanahaki Disease, Multi, Pining, Platonic Love vs Romantic Love, Steve Rogers Cusses, Stubborn Steve Rogers, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:40:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24990208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InTheShadows/pseuds/InTheShadows
Summary: When Tony coughs up the first petal he knows that he is in trouble. Surprised? Not at all. He had been expecting it for a while now. It's not a shock although it's not good news either. Who is excited to hear they are dying after all? It's an old hat for Tony, but that doesn't make it much better. In a kinder world this wouldn't matter. In a kinder world he could go on, be fine and never care about the semantics of certain words. But it's not, so here he is. Hanahaki is a bitch. Too bad he forgot to factor in one thing - Steve Roger's classic stubbornness. That was his first mistake.
Relationships: Steve Rogers & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: Tony Stark Bingo (Round 3) 2020 Fills [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2066145
Comments: 12
Kudos: 268
Collections: Tony Stark Bingo 2020





	Mind Over Body (Out Stubborn God)

**Author's Note:**

> What? You thought hanahaki and aromanticism would never mix? Oh ye of little faith. Writers will always find a way. I especially will if I think on a trope for too long. It happens.  
> As a quick disclaimer I tried to handle the topic of aromanticism as well as I could (aka tried not to be a dick about it) considering Tony, well, is not always the most delicate of people. Especially when it comes to emotions. No disrespect meant. (I think it's ok, but then sometimes I miss the obvious, so.) 
> 
> Title: Mind Over Body (Out Stubborn God)  
> Collaborator Name: InTheShadows  
> Card Number: 3102  
> Link:[HERE](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24990208)  
> Square Filled: A5/free space  
> Ship/Main Pairing: Steve/Tony  
> Rating: T  
> Major Tags: Aromantic Steve, Hanahaki Disease, Angst with a Happy Ending  
> Summary: When Tony coughs up the first petal, he knows what that means. Hanahaki is no mystery to him and frankly he's been expecting it. He knows what will follow, how this will end. Too bad he forgot one important fact - Steve Rogers can out stubborn God if he tries hard enough.  
> Word Count: 3617

As soon as Tony coughs up the first petal he knows that he is in trouble. There isn’t any shock as he stares at it, lying oh so innocently on the ground. He knows who it is for. He knew it was coming. Frankly the only surprise is that it took so long to develop. It’s late by a good couple of months at least. 

So it is only with resignation that he bends down to throw it away before going on with his day. He is officially on a timeline now after all. No use wasting what he has left. He’s already been through the five stages of grief when he first realized. Now all that is left is to finalize everything and enjoy the rest of his - likely short - life. 

Funny, he never thought love would be what does him in. For a long time Tony doubted his own ability to even love at all. Howard was oh so helpful with that conclusion. When he proved himself wrong, well. It’s not as if he suddenly thought other people would ever return his feelings. 

And then came the drugs, the partying, the recklessness and sex. And after that came Iron Man and the Avengers and everything that entailed. It’s not as if he lived a safe life. Ever. What are the chances that something else besides this should have killed him? Ridiculously high, but here he is. Dying because of love. Ironic. 

Proof Tony Stark has a heart, Oh if only Pepper knew now. 

Naturally he doesn’t tell anyone. Goes through the trouble of hiding it and hiding it well. No need to bring everyone else down with him with the news. Have them either pester him in hopes of returned love or have them pity him when they realize how hopeless it is. Have their interactions tainted with worry and sadness. There is nothing they can do. 

That isn’t his admittedly low self esteem talking either. He knows that he has no chance. Zip. Zero. Nadda. It's not even the old classic ‘He could never love someone like me, he could do so much better than me so I will die tragically in silence’ rot that Hollywood and romance writers around the world make their fortunes on. This is no fairy tale. No happily ever after ending for him.

The truth is much more straightforward and much more depressing than that. It means he would never have a chance, no matter who he is. No need to burden anyone with things they cannot change. Guilt is a terrible thing, especially preventable guilt. Which is exactly what Tony is going to do. Prevent it from happening. 

So at the first petal Tony internalizes it and moves on. Continues as usual. He spends time with the team, runs SI with Pepper, goes out on missions and builds and tinkers and invents for the days that he will no longer be there. It’s with a certain humor he remembers the last time he thought he was going to die. Remembers how he acted then. His behavior during the whole palladium poisoning left much to be desired. 

He composes himself with much more dignity this time. Maybe because he got all the other behavior out of the way the last time. Maybe because this time he knows that he has no hope, no matter how small, that this will turn out alright. There is no cure for hanahaki disease except returned love - and that is impossible. 

Just his luck really. 

He manages to hide it for two months before someone finds out - Steve. The very last person he wanted to know. Also just his luck. It’s probably a miracle that he didn’t find out sooner given the amount of time they spent together, but that doesn’t mean Tony has to like it. Quite the opposite in fact. Damn it. 

They had been hanging out in the workshop, Steve sketching on the couch and Tony tinkering, when it happened. The tickling sensation in his throat began to grow and grow, threatening to come out any moment. Before this he had always managed to hide. Either he had been alone or he was able to excuse himself without suspicion. Not this time. This time there is no escape. 

Still he tries to hold back as long as he can. He bites his lip and tightens his body and wills the petals to stay inside him. Just for now. Just until he is alone again. If he could move without them spilling from his lips, he could claim bathroom break, but they are too close. Any sudden move could do it. So he desperately holds them in and desperately hopes. 

Of course it doesn’t help. It never does. His breath stutters, making him involuntarily gasp and then choke and then cough. The cough is what does it. Once he starts he can’t stop. He can’t breathe. Panic claws at his chest along with the petals. 

Steve is by his side in an instant. That means he gets a front view look at when Tony finally coughs them up. For one hysterical moment it reminds Tony of nothing else but a hairball - you know, if cats hacked up flowers and blood instead of fur. The only thing keeping him from laughing is the lack of air in his lungs. Probably a good thing, all things considered. 

He becomes aware that Steve is behind him, supporting him, rubbing his back and murmuring words of encouragement in his ear. It’s nice. Too bad it only makes the situation worse. The choking sensation grows again, quick and unavoidable. Before he knows it he is spitting more petals from his mouth. The taste of copper overpowers his sense of taste. Yuck. 

“For god's sake Steve,” he gasps, voice rough, “stop before you make it worse than it already is.” 

“What?” Steve asks, concern and confusion equal in his tone, but he does as Tony says. 

He steps away and Tony can immediately feel the absence. The lack of heat from where he previously stood. Footsteps signal that he is moving further away still. Part of him selfishly wants to call him back, the part that makes his heart ache, but logically he knows it’s for the best. 

But then he is back with a cup and bowl. 

“Here.” Gently and oh so carefully he helps Tony rinse his mouth. He doesn’t say anything else, doesn’t ask any questions and steps away when he is done. 

Dum-E, who is officially on petal disposal duty, comes over and beeps questioningly. 

“Yeah buddy, it’s ok,” Tony reassures, still feeling weak and shaky from this latest time. It’s getting worse. Of course it’s getting worse, that’s what hanahaki  _ does _ . It grows and grows until it kills you. Until the petals take over your lungs and you stop breathing. It doesn’t help that, with the arc reactor, his lungs are already down from full capacity. Damn it. Tony, despite what his behavior may suggest, does not actually want to die. 

There’s a terrible silence that fills the shop before Stvee finally asks, “It’s me, isn’t it?” Maybe it should be less obvious, but then Tony had practically told him moments before, hadn’t he? 

He can’t look at him as he nods. Can’t bear the thought of looking. Of seeing. 

“You’re dying, aren’t you?” Despite the fact that it is technically a question, it is more of a statement. It is asked in a flat, almost dead tone. 

That won’t do. This is the reason Tony never told him, never planned on telling him. It’s not his fault if he can’t love Tony like he wants. That Tony has to be greedy and oh so selfish and wish for more. He puts on his best smile. “Aren’t we all?” Cheerful. Far too cheerful, but it’s better than some of the alternatives. “Technically speaking there is a philosophy that says we all start dying the moment we are born. Not exactly correct scientifically speaking, but -” 

“ _ Tony _ ,” Steve interrupts. 

And oh. Oh if Tony lives to be a hundred years, five hundred, more, he doubts he will ever forget the horrified, heartbreaking look on Steve’s face. The devastation. The anguish. The slowly dawning determination - wait, what? “Don’t worry about it Winghead, it’s but a flesh wound.” 

Steve doesn’t smile. DOesn’t laugh or even huff in exasperation. All he does is continue to look at Tony with that terrible, wrecked expression in his eyes. 

“Seriously sunshine, don’t worry about it,” he continues to dismiss, “I’ll get over it eventually right?” By dying anyways. That counts, yeah? If not, it should. If it was just a mere crush hanahaki wouldn’t have developed in the first place and they know it. 

There are times when that would be enough. Steve knows and accepts that humor is how Tony copes. He doesn’t always like it and sometimes he will push back, but most of the time he goes with it. He had stopped calling Tony out on it months ago. It’s nice. SO few people accept that about him. 

Not now though. “Don’t worry about it?  _ Don’t worry about it _ ? Tony, you just told me you are  _ dying _ and you expect me  _ not to worry about it _ ? Bullshit.” 

“Language Captain,” Tony tries to tease. 

Steve is having none of it though. “ _ Fucking bullshit _ ,” he snaps instead and wow. That is a lot of feeling right there. “I am not going to stand around, just watching, while you waste away from this.” 

That’s sweet. Too bad it’s also useless. “Steve,” he sighs. 

“No,” he interrupts again, “no. I don’t know what kind of person you think I am, but if you think for one second that -” 

Honestly. This is exactly why Tony didn’t want him to know. This, exactly, right here and now. A spark of irritation, of anger, lights inside him. It seems like this is the first real emotion he felt since he learned. Until now resignation had pretty much taken over. He throws his hands up into the air. “And what are you going to do about it, huh? Love me back?” 

That is unfair and he knows it. He remembers how excited Steve had been when he found out. How his eyes lit up, how brightly he smiled. The happy and proud tone of his voice when he told Tony ‘I’m not alone. It’s not just something in my head or something the serum couldn’t fix. There are other people like me. It’s real. Aromantic. I’m aromantic. It’s a real thing.’

At the time Tony had been just as happy for him. Who wouldn’t be, when their best friend was? Maybe he didn’t understand completely, but that didn’t matter, it wasn’t about him in the least. It had led to an interesting conversation and that had been it. Steve Rogers - Captain America, mouthy little shit, aromantic. It became a part of him and Tony never had a problem with it. Never questioned it or begrudged him it. Why on Earth would he? Once again, it wasn’t about him. He isn’t  _ that _ self centered. 

Even after he realized he was in love with Steve, he never resented him for it. Not really. Not beyond his most bitter, depressing moments. Steve can’t help the way he felt after all. It wasn't his fault Tony had feelings for him that he could never return. It’s not as if he thinks Steve doesn’t care for him either. They are best friends, partners on the field and they have each other’s back off of it.They spend most of their time together. The team has the running Mom and Dad joke. 

So it’s not as if Tony thinks Steve can’t love. That is both insulting and ridiculous. Tony knows that Steve loves him - probably, on good days mostly - he just isn’t  _ in love _ with Tony. And that is enough for the stupid flowers in his lungs. It’s not fair, but since when has life been fair? 

“Yes.”

Tony is not at all prepared for that. Yes? What? 

“Yes I love you back,” Steve continues before Tony can protest, “Do you think I don’t? Do you think I am just going to let you suffer and die in silence? I love you Tony Stark.” 

Still sweet. Still useless. He can’t deny that his heart skips a beat at those words. Hearing them had been a dream come true at one point. A fairy tale. Someone loved him. Someone loved  _ him _ . Too bad it’s not in the way he needs. “Steve,” he sighs, “I know that, but it still doesn’t change anything.” 

“Bullshit,” he repeats, striding over to Tony, determination in every inch of his body. Gently, belying the power of his movement, he cups Tony’s face in his hands. Softly his thumb strokes against his cheeks. The blue of his eyes grow even more intense as he meets Tony’s. “Shellhead. Menace.  _ Tony.  _ You gave me a home when I had nothing. You helped me settle into this century, gave me a reason to keep going, showed me the world beyond the next mission. You showed me art and food and technology. You got me addicted to terrible tv and that Chinese place down the road.

“You drove me nuts and pushed me and supported me whenever I needed it. You’re the one I turn to when I need help. When I feel out of place and unanchored. You made me feel anger when I was numb. You challenged me while everyone else was still tip toeing around me. You made me laugh until I cried multiple times. You’ve given me everything I needed and then everything I didn’t. 

“You think you aren’t the most important person in my life? You think I would tell anyone half the stuff I have told you? No. There is no one else like you. You like to joke that you are one of a kind, irreplaceable. Believe it.  _ Believe it _ because to me you are. You’re my best friend, my partner, the most important person to me. You gave me a home because  _ you _ are my home.  _ I. Love. You. _ I love you Tony Stark and nothing will take that away from me.” 

A shiver wracks through Tony’s body. Wow - that is just -  _ wow _ . Tony can get lost in those blue eyes of his. Is getting lost in them. And the words. Logically Tony knows all of this. Knows how important he is to Steve. He feels the same after all. It’s not that the love Tony feels for him is better or more superior or some other crap, it’s just different. In a normal, kinder world that difference wouldn’t matter. It would be enough. 

In this world the difference is killing him. 

It’s enough to make him choke again. To make the petals roll angrily in his chest. Because Steve loves him, but it still isn’t enough. 

In response Steve only pulls him closer, lets his body heat soak into Tony’s. He continues stroking his cheeks, continues staring at him as if he is staring into his soul. Another cough and he drops a tender kiss to his forehead. “I love you,” he murmurs against his skin. 

That is enough to shock Tony out of it. He pushes Steve away and steps back himself. Puts some distance between them. Clearly someone needs to before they both lose their minds. Clearly Steve already has. “No.” 

“No?” Steve asks, obviously unimpressed. His hand twitches as if he wants to reach out again, but he doesn’t. He may not like the distance, but he is respecting it. For now. 

“No,” Tony repeats, “I know what you are trying to do here Rogers, don’t think I don’t. And it’s sweet, yeah, but don’t you think this is going a little too far? Trying to convince the stupid flowers in my lungs is one thing, but don’t you think -” 

“Don’t patronize me,” Steve snaps, fire and steel in his eyes.

“I’m not, but -”

“Yes you are,” he cuts him off, “you are trying to tell me how to feel. That it’s cute, it’s nice, but it isn’t real. It doesn’t count. It isn’t enough. It isn’t valid. You’ve never given me any shit before about this so don’t start now.” 

“No, I’m not. That’s not what I’m saying. It’s just -”

“It’s just that romantic love means so much more? That it is the end all of end alls? That platonic love, friendship, is worthless in the face of that? That it means less? Is less worthy because what? What is the difference between romantic love and platonic love? Sex? Not everyone wants sex. Not everyone who has sex wants love. It’s stupid and demeaning and don’t you dare tell me otherwise.” 

Once again - wow. Did Tony ever step into it this time. Him and his big mouth. “Sorry, sorry, it’s not - I just don’t want to force myself onto you. You shouldn’t have to put up with this because my stupid self can’t get the message that we aren’t like that.” 

“Force yourself -” Steve chokes on a laugh. It doesn’t sound like a very happy one. “Tony,” and oh, right, he’s still upset, “you are doing the exact opposite of that. You are throwing yourself  _ away _ from me in some misguided regard for my honor or whatever bullshit you’ve come up with now.” 

You can always tell how upset Steve is by how much he cusses. Or at least Tony can. Right now the obvious conclusion is - very. Very upset. 

“I’m not lying. I’m not martyring myself to save your life. I love you even though I am not in love with you and it’s fucking bullshit that it doesn’t count.” 

“Tell that to the hanahaki,” he mutters. It comes out more bitterly than he intends. 

“I am.” Steve reaches out and puts a hand on his shoulder. When Tony doesn’t shrug it off or move away he moves in for another full body hug. He tucks Tony’s head under his chin and plasters their bodies together. “You think I’m going to let some stupid disease take my partner away from me?”

Partner. The word makes him both warm and cold at the same time. Warm because this is what he wanted. Cold because no, no it’s not. Here he is again, forcing himself on Steve. Forcing his issues, his unwanted romantic love, his disgusting self onto him. Selfish. Greedy. Burden. How can Steve even stand the sight of him right now, let alone touch him like this? Disgusting. His throat aches from suppressed coughs. Over entitled, arrogant - 

“No,” Steve says as if he can read Tony’s thoughts. Who knows, maybe he can. “Everyone is so obsessed with romance that they make everything, every word, about it. Partner has multiple meanings. I don’t care if mine matches yours or not. We are still partners and I still love you. Please,” his voice shakes, just barely noticeable, as he buries his face into Tony’s hair, “please don’t take that from me.” 

And because Tony is a selfish, selfish person he melts into that. Melts into the embrace, into his words, into Steve. He can’t help himself. A stronger person would move away. Would put an end to this before he takes Steve down with him. A stronger person wouldn't be in this position to begin with. Too bad Tony is weak. 

Steve only tightens his hold in response. 

Weak, weak, weak. “You can’t out stubborn hanahaki disease you know. It doesn’t work that way. Even you have a limit on what you can do.” 

“Watch me.” Fire and steel. Fire and steel and some good old desperation. 

And Tony - even though Tony knows better, he doesn’t argue. Instead he forces the petals in his throat down. 

“I love you.” 

That becomes Steve’s mantra after that. Every day, every night, every time he brings Tony coffee and every time they hang out. Everytime without fail Steve tells him. It’s not always as intense as the first time. Sometimes he says it matter of fact, like it is a simple thing of life. Sometimes he gathers Tony in his arms and strokes his cheeks until he is a quivering mess. Sometimes it is a quick, warm thing, like Shellhead and Winghead are. 

No matter what, he never stops. He never falters. He never gives up or gets exasperated or tired or disgusted by it. He just - keeps. Going. 

And Tony is still coughing up petals. Still has flowers growing in his lungs. Is still dying - until he isn't. Until, suddenly, it stops and - even more miraculously - starts to retreat. He has to have JARVIS confirm it, just to make sure. Just in case he is imagining things. But no. It doesn’t happen all at once. It’s still not the magical, instant cure of fairy tales, but it is happening. As the days go on Tony begins coughing up less and less petal. Their numbers decrease, the copper taste in his mouth fades when he does, it becomes easier to breathe. He isn’t dying anymore.  _ He isn’t dying _ . 

The petals grow fewer and fewer until one day they vanish altogether. Gone. Completely and utterly gone. Until all he feels when he looks at Steve is warmth and reassurance and  _ love _ . Love that he knows is returned, freely given, even if it isn’t exactly the same. Who cares? He still has Steve, doesn’t he? 

He is positively insufferable when Tony tells him. Insufferable - and ecstatic. Turns out this is within his limits after all. 

Steve Rogers - Captain America, mouthy little shit, aromantic, Tony Stark’s partner. 

Tony Stark - Iron Man, genius, billionaire, philanthropist, Steve Roger’s partner. 


End file.
